Tag Archives: humour

The Great Divide

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Forget ‘to be or not to be’, the real question is this…

 

Or this…

 

 

Emotional attachments aside*, this is a serious issue and one which has caused much contention at 20 Jefferson Street of late. A recent feline-canine debate led to tears, grudges and minor mass hysteria; it is clear that this is an issue that is not only being taken with the utmost sincerity, but also is in dire need of resolution. Therefore, in light of recent event, the question of the ‘Great Divide‘ is to be posed to the public at large.

*No ownership biases re: the ‘models’ in photo 1 and 2

 

 

Please find a brief summary of the minutes, taken by the Rev. Hon. Adam Burstall, below.

 

Pro-Dog

You are able to take them for long walks and they are more of an extra family member than a mere pet. There is an emotional aspect and you create strong bonds with the animal through raising it from a puppy, training it and spending a substantial amount of time with it. Furthermore, they provide safety and security at home and can protect you house against intruders, be it with strength or merely noise.

Pro-Cat

Cats are highly independent animals and right from birth are adept at looking after themselves. In this respect, they can clean themselves and use a litter tray, therefore at no point will you have to follow them with a plastic bag and collect their droppings. A relationship with a cat is more ‘give and take’, with a mutual respect between the cat and the owner. Perhaps most importantly, cats are less capable of harming a human, for example a small child or baby and are tactile and elegant domesticated animals.

Fig 1.

A copy of said minutes

 

The minutes are there to provide a starting point for YOUR opinions. The debate is to be passed onto you the reader and any informed, justified and unoffensive (Ian Thomas) input would be greatly appreciated.

The best argument will be awarded the authentic minutes board as written in Wellington.

 

Cat or Dog? YOU DECIDE

 

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Twenty-Twelve: Have We Learnt Anything?

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So we’ve seen the definitive end to twenty-twelve (minus one apocalypse). And to be honest, it was pretty peachy to say the least.

Although Celyn and Imogen haven’t learnt much in the past 12 months, we’ve learnt a little. And we thought we’d share wot wot we learnt with you.

Christmas and New Yeaa and aw that

Yes, yes, the ‘German’ entry is bull.

Disclaimer: Do not be offended if you already know all these things. Many (read: all) of them are very straight-forward (a la ‘Twenty Questions’). Feel free to add some of your own if you fancy.

1. Make a checklist of things to ask when buying something big.

Like a car. Merely commenting on the colour does NOT count as a thorough check AND WILL RESULT IN MUCH CAR-RELATED WOE.

2. Choose wisely when getting something to eat.

Food envy when on a budget is low on the low point spectrum. Don’t mess it up. Choose with care. If necessary (and if your eating partner has enough patience) make a longlist, then a shortlist, then eeeny-meeny-miny-mo the final two.

3. Use sun cream.

They aren’t joking when they say there is a hole in the ozone layer and it is right above New Zealand. Sunburn is not big or clever. Neither is dead skin in the bed.

4. Play Scrabble tactically

It’s all very well and good getting a monster word on the board (yes, XYLOCARP), but that means nothing when someone whips your derriere points-wise with some dullard 3-letter word. It’s not worth it. PLAY TO WIN.

5. Keep a diary to write down names and places.

You will forget. Even if you think you wont, you will. Write them down.

(Thanks for the advice, Uncle Philip)

6. Stop stressing.

This may be a tad more pertinent to Imogen than Celyn, but still. It’s relevant. Don’t stress. It amounts to nothing except a sore stomach and wrinkles. DON’T DO IT.

7. Keep in touch with those at home.

Home peeps, you are amazing. We can safely say that the past week or so wouldn’t have been the same without you all. Worth every minute of a 2am Skype. Love.

8. Always say thank you.

No matter how small the favour, make a  point of saying thank you. Showing gratitude is underrated. (This comes from the top bloke who helped us when our car broke down – which has also helped Cel learn that people in Range Rovers aren’t all that bad).

9. Work hard.

This is also underrated. Do it.

10. Say yes to everything (within reason). 

Saying yes is GOOD. Even if you end up miles out of your comfort zone, at least you are now aware of where your comfort zone actually is. More often than not, you end up having the time of your life.

11. Find out things for yourself.

Cheers, guidebook, you’ve been great but now I think it’s time we parted ways. Much as we love you, this has become a hate-hate relationship and in fact, the exhilaration of stumbling across something fantastic, or finding out for yourself why somewhere should be avoided is a lot more exciting. Also, taking advice from people who have recently been somewhere, or have local knowledge, is much more beneficial than advice from a travel writer you’ve never met who went there a couple of years ago.

12. Embrace a different way of life.

Don’t moan. There may not be chocolate-covered hob-nobs, chip-shop sauce, or the tube here, but New Zealand life is definitely one to be lauded. It is the norm to be practical, logical, honest and forthcoming. Enjoy the differences. Go to the supermarket with no shoes on, wear an anorak when out clubbing, eat a 1kg block of ‘tasty’ cheese, and say ‘chur bru’ whenever you can. It is most definitely worth it.

Any more to add? We’d love to hear your thoughts.

In the meantime, all the best for twenty-thirteen…

Twenty Questions

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While in the car, or at the table, or just generally anywhere, we have come to ask each other questions which, in actual fact, are essentially rhetorical as we know that the other one does not know the answer. As we find ourselves stumped on average 3.7 times a day, we have drawn up a list of questions which we (obviously uber brains that we are) can’t answer (or end up answering with a question. Confusing).

So please can you help us with the following list of questions? We are trying to boycott Wikipedia as it takes the fun out of trivia, so if you KNOW an answer or two (or just feel like giving us any pointers or guidance), drop us a line.  We NEED this. Think of it as a pub quiz without the pub. Or a poor man’s QI without Stephen Fry (national f***ing treasure) and buzzers.

NB. This is a serious matter. Your feedback will be greatly appreciated and with every submission you will be entered into a free prize draw. See below for top prize.

1. What percentage of cocoa does chocolate need to have in order to constitute dark chocolate? Or is it a colour rating?

2. Can cows get sunburnt?

3. What are bobbly clouds called (not cumulus wisps, the other ones that look like ice-cream and fairy tales)?

4. Who was in DuranDuran? (Household names only please)

5. What were windmills originally used for?

6. What is Pinot Gris? Does anyone actually drink it for pleasure?

NOTE: Not PINOT GRIGIO. That is a DIFFERENT wine. (Pinot Grigio is nice)

7. Why are spoilers called spoilers?

7.1 How do they work? (we assume these questions will answer each other)

8. Is the height of a mountain (as written on a map) the height from sea level or just how tall the mountain is from base to peak?

9. Is ‘Munro’ a category of mountain that can exist anywhere? I.e. Could you say, Mount Le Blahblah in France is a  Munro?

10. How do you spell the really long place name in North Wales?

10.1 Is it the longest place name in the world or just in Wales / the UK?

11. If you touch the wire above an electric train, do you die?

12. If Mount Tongariro erupted (you can google this), would the eruption cause a tsunami in Lake Taupo?

12.1 Can you get tsunami’s in lakes?

13. Why is it so windy in Wellington?

14. What is Miss Fritton’s first name in St Trinian’s?

15. Does the saying go ‘sharpest tool in the box’ or ‘sharpest tool in the shed’?

16. Could someone please explain the plot of the film ‘Triangle’? 

16.1 Bonus question: As above but with the film ‘Moonrise Kingdom’ (plus film analysis.)

17. What is the origin of the phrase ‘raining cats and dogs’?

18. Why is the sea so green in some places and so dark in the UK? (Simply putting, ‘the sky’ will not suffice as an answer)

19. How do light aircraft taxi? i.e. How do small planes move on the ground? Does it have anything to do with the propellers?  (This question is aimed at ex- or current Rolls Royce employees)

20. Who won the FA cup in 1927? 

As we said, we are wholly dependent on your feedback. Not only is there money on some of these, but also we need the answers… our chat’s running dry.

Good luck.

May the best wo/man win.

Top prize: an annual subscription to bigclimblittleclimb completely FREE OF CHARGE.

How Not To Drive

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The Highway Code for use in New Zealand – Revised and abridged version.

 

 

This Highway Code is used and adhered to by all North Island road users. Please take all points into serious consideration. The writer does not assume any responsibility for actions or indeed non-actions taken by people who have read this version of the NZHC ™ and claims will be refuted for detrimental reliance on any information provided or expressed and so on and so on and so forth.

[If in doubt, see Miss N. Farmer. ]

 

 


1. Spatial awareness is not required when driving.

 
This relates to urban, suburban and miles-away-from-any-sort-of-urban driving area. Bumping, scraping, and full on crashing is perfectly acceptable when parking or indeed just driving. Likewise, overtaking on cliff edges with a slice of plastic cheese worth of space between you and the overtakee is also absolutely fine. Think of it as gaining ‘lad’ points. The more dangerous the terrain, the better.

 
2. When in doubt, pull out.

 
If you are waiting at a left- or right-hand turn for more than 5 seconds (that’s ‘one-elephant-two-elephant…’) just go. Traffic or no traffic. Don’t worry about the other cars on the road, they are there to work around you.

 

 
3. Highway can mean anything.

 
The Kiwi Highway is a self-confessed misnomer. Or, as it is known bureaucratically, an umbrella term. It is known to include: motorways, dual carriageways, single carriageways, 0.5 carriageways, passing lanes, gravel tracks, dirt tracks, mountain tracks, single-lane bridges, rickety Monty Python bridges, hobbit passing lanes, vomit-inducing bends and the Bridge of Death.

 
4. Do not give way on bridges.

 

 

When approaching a one lane bridge i.e. 94.6% of all road bridges, give way signs are purely decorative. Giving way is neither expected nor carried out, so don’t even bother. If crossing a one-lane bridge is akin to playing a Spartan game of chicken blindfolded on the M25, you’re doing well.

 
5.1 Lines on the side of the road are redundant.

 
If there is a hard shoulder, or indeed any sort of tarmac-ed surface on the roadside, use it. And by use it, we mean drive on it. The white lines are only there to help possums in the dark.

 
5.2 Lines in the middle of the road are redundant.

 
Driving on the correct side of the road is only for pansies, learners and German camper-vans.  Use up as much road space as you possibly can. This rule must be adhered to when negotiating the 179 degree turns and hairpin corners of the mountain roads.

 
6.1 Cars must conform to make and model regulations.

 

Cars must be at least 10 years old. The more battered the better.

 
6.2 Cars must conform to colour regulations

 
The following colours are acceptable: black, white, browny black, browny white, brown, blacky white, whitey brown, whitey black, any combination of the above.

 
7. Manners are not to be used on roads.

 
They only confuse. Which could lead to road accidents. So manners are a no-no. Don’t let anyone out, or say thank you, or even acknowledge other road users, and there is a compulsory minimum middle finger use of 3 times per journey.

 
8. Speed limit signs on corners are for guideline purposes only.

 

 
When you see a sign telling you to take a corner at 25 kph rather than your current speed of 100 kph, don’t feel that it is necessary to adhere to it. Think of it like a game of Mario Kart – the faster you go, the more likely you are to get one of those multi-coloured floating prize box things. Go on, you know you want to.

 

9. Indicating a sign of weakness.

 

It’s far more interesting trying to guess which way a car is going. Especially on double roundabouts. For true man points, smash all indicators.

 

10. Expect the unexpected.. of the bovine variety.

 

 

This is far more entertaining than the odd suicidal squirrel. Just make sure you brake in time.

 

 

 

Copyright 2012. From a sofa and some very cold feet in Whitianga.